


The Things You Make Me Feel

by anxiousalice



Series: Asexuality Sketches [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Acephobia, Depression, Good Loki (Marvel), Homophobia, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Homophobia, Loki is depressed, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misogyny, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Racism, Species Dysphoria, Speciesism, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony has PTSD, Transphobia, Vague Nightmare Assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22494115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousalice/pseuds/anxiousalice
Summary: A collection of short (and not entirely well-connected) fics/sketches about Loki dealing with being asexual and in a relationship with Tony. Major internalized ace-phobia and homophobia; a bit of misogyny, too; a little of nightmare assault. I will update tags as more is written.This is a continuation of Asexuality Sketch. If you like, you can just assume that Loki is not a monster (was mind-controlled into being Thanos' puppet; still prejudiced toward Jotnar, though), with avengers, in love with Tony, and from a homophobic version of Asgard, which believes that it is inappropriate for a man to be "unmanned."
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Series: Asexuality Sketches [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615399
Comments: 1
Kudos: 48





	1. You Make Me Feel Many Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony makes Loki feel blissfully happy, but that happiness is constantly tarnished with... other things.

In the arms of his lover, Loki feels loved. They hold each other close, and Tony is delightfully warm, delightfully solid next to Loki. His hands are broad and a little rough, and when his calloused skin rubs across Loki’s skin – Loki shudders in the best way.

He loves Tony’s hands. Tony’s hands bear many signs of who and what Tony is. His hard-working hands, his calloused hands, his scarred hands, his generous hands – Loki loves them. Loki kisses them sometimes, but he knows that Tony is flustered when he does it, and he is not sure that it is a good way of flustering. It is adorable, though, for Tony even turns a little pink every now and then.

Sometimes, Loki worries about his displays of affection. After all, Tony might think that Loki is trying to imply that Tony is the woman in their relationship. To assuage those fears, he kisses the palms rather than the backs of his hands. He hopes that this gesture is seen as what it is - a show of gratitude, love, and respect. 

Loki is grateful for each moment spent with Tony. Each kiss is a treasure he cherishes and hoards; he never gets enough. Each gentle word is a blessing; each touch is pure, utter bliss. 

Loki does not realize how unhappy he has been until he knows happiness. Sometimes, he cries quietly into the night, laying next to Tony, from how much he used to hurt and how much this happiness hurts, too. It is a good pain, though. Loki would give anything to keep feeling it. His honor included.


	2. You Make Me Feel Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, Loki casts spells to see the dreams he wants to see.
> 
> Sometimes, it backfires. 
> 
> (Or: Loki dreams of Tony, and it does not go so well).

“I had the best dream,” Loki whispers into the dark. Tony makes a noncommittal sound; then, an inquisitive one. It is a little sleepy but interested. 

“You were a dragon,” Loki says, “and you abducted me.”

Tony laughs incredulously.

“What? How is that good?”

Loki smiles and puts his hand on Tony’s cheek.

“You saved me before everything happened. I was still in Asgard. I was still Odinson. And you abducted – you saved me.”

Tony is quiet for a bit, but then, he holds Loki close and presses a kiss to his forehead. Loki smiles, with tears in his eyes.

His fantasy has always been a refuge. His dreams have always been more colorful than reality. Loki loves sleeping because it brings along sweet dreams. He rarely has nightmares. 

Tony-as-a-dragon was majestic. He was red and gold, a wyvern, with two hind legs and two large, powerful wings. He was huge, and his claws held Loki securely as they flew away from Asgard. Loki-in-the-dream was not scared either. He did not know what he was being taken away from, but he knew that to be chosen by a dragon was an honor and an opportunity. One thing he has always been - an opportunist. 

As he slips back into the dream, Loki easily calls upon the same scenario, finding it more and more appealing. A little bit of magic helps him to see what he wants to see and sleep a little more tightly. It is a good spell, one that helped him to leave behind bad dreams and further good ones. The Dragon dream is just too good to waste. 

The dragon flies him toward a volcano; Loki has a vague thought about casting a spell to prevent heat from getting to him, but in the dream, he does not need to. The cave systems within the volcano are pleasantly warm, and the dragon drags him inside. As they pass dark, warm, moist caverns, Loki starts worrying a little. He attempts to free himself of the dragon’s paw, but naturally, it is impossible. 

He is brought into a large cave with a huge pile of gold in the middle. The dragon drags him toward the gold, and Loki feels terror squeeze his throat. He is not even sure what he is afraid of; he remembers no tales about gold being used to bind mages or kill them by dragons. Still, he struggles ineffectively and attempts to call for Tony.

Tony does not listen. 

“Stop,” Loki begs.

“No,” Loki pleads. 

The dragon hears him not, his hot breath on Loki’s cheeks and his strong claws squeezing his shoulders. At that moment, Loki feels thread piercing his lips and sealing them.

He is mute.

Loki rarely has nightmares. When he does, though… They are almost too much to handle.


	3. You Make Me Feel Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki feared most of all that this would not last. 
> 
> (Or; that feeling when your boyfriend realizes that you are asexual.)

“Do you think you might be asexual?” Tony said. Loki felt like he was dumped into cold water, which threatened to reveal his true heritage. While Tony knew who he was, Loki had a few secrets left. That was one of them.

He kept it hidden, this truth, for the fear of Tony turning his back on him. He knew Tony’s – reputation – as a sexual being, and he could not believe that this would not be a problem.

“You are, aren’t you?” Of curse, Tony has learned to read him by now. It was upsetting, but it also gave Loki hope – perhaps, he could convince Tony that it would be fine? That he could – 

No. He could not. He found himself telling Tony exactly that – he could not, and Tony needed that, which meant – perhaps, if he tried, he could use his mouth on Tony (he’d thought of it, a few times, never with much pleasure – but also without disgust – without fear)…

Tony was holding him, keeping him in place, keeping him in one piece, and whispering soft, sweet nothings. Loki found that he was whispering some of his own back. They were holding each other close, exchanging soft little kisses and gentle words. They were so, so perfect.

Loki feared most of all that this would not last.


	4. You Make Me Feel Repulsion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki’s fear of sex is becoming a problem – in his opinion. His therapist attempts to help.
> 
> (No acephobia on the therapist’s part, but Loki is acephobic and self-hating. Assume that Loki and Tony started going to therapists to support each other's struggle with Loki's depression and Tony's PTSD).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a therapist, but based on my experience with them, this one is not too bad. Hope I managed to do the profession justice. Feel free to criticize if you know more.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jared asked. Jared was Loki’s therapist.

“Yes,” Loki responded firmly. “It is becoming a problem.”

“Mhm. In which ways?”

“Tony and I are different. He needs – that – and…”

“And?”

Loki closed his eyes in defeat.

“And I am repulsed by the idea.”

Jared hummed in response before proceeding with his own questions.

“Okay, I see a few things we have discussed here going wrong. First, do you know for a fact that Tony needs that?”

“It’s logical.”

“Does he tell you that he needs that?”

“No, but he,” Loki bit his lips, “he is lying, I think. He constantly tries to convince me that it is not important – but it can’t be not important.”

“Why do you think he would lie?”

“To avoid hurting me.”

“Why do you think it is important?”

“I’ve seen how men are.”

“Other men?”

“Yes. They are insane when it comes to sex.”

“As a man, I can tell you that this is an oversimplification. Also, a blanket statement that is probably incorrect. Still – other men are not important here. Tony. You think that he would lie to protect you from pain. Let’s assume that you are right,” Loki’s hands clenched around a tissue he prepared just in case. 

“Why do you think he does that? Protects you?”

“Because he loves me. It is important for him.”

“Yes. Do you think that he has the right to decide that your safety is more important for him than sex?”

Loki thought about it for a few moments.

“He has the right,” he stated eventually, “but he should not have to suffer because of me.”

“Mmhm. Two things: having to do something means having no choice. Do you think that Tony has no choice?”

“If he does not want to force me, he does not.”

“But that is a choice, right? He can choose to hurt you or not.”

“That is not a choice.”

“Because he would only choose one thing, right? Think about it in terms of food; if you have the tastier option, you are going to go for it, but it does not mean that the less tasty option does not exist, right?”

“He should have more options.”

“Yes, the second one. Why shouldn’t Tony suffer because of you?”

“Pardon?”

“We have established that Tony has a choice, even if it is not a real one,” Loki allowed that. “Why do you use the words “should not” – as if it is a moral statement? Is it unfair that he can suffer because of you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“He should not suffer.”

“But why? Because you don’t want him to?”

“Because he is a good person.”

“Do you believe that good people never suffer?”

“No – but if I can, I must prevent such suffering.”

“Can you?”

Loki’s breath hitched.

“Let’s talk about that. You do not even use the word. What do you think about when you think about sex?”

“I prefer not to.”

“Why?”

Loki sighed. 

“It repulses me.”

“Mhm. Is there a reason?”

“I know not.”

“Any suspicions?”

Loki appeared to seriously consider the question. 

“In my culture, it is wrong to be with a man.”

“So, the problem is that Tony is a man. If he were a woman, would you still be repulsed?”

Loki closed his eyes in defeat. Then, he covered his eyes with his hand and tried to breathe deeper.

Jared pushed the tissue box toward him and pointed out that it was always OK to cry, especially here.

Loki managed to hold the tears back.

“I want to give it to him,” he said eventually, almost without hitches in his voice. “He deserves to be happy.”

“Mhm, do you believe that it is about his happiness?”

“He would be happier if he had it.”

“I don’t know. I think he might be happier if you were less worried about the sex, though.”

“Pardon?”

“You are obsessively worried about the possibility and also guilt yourself into believing that you must do it, that Tony deserves it, and that his happiness depends on it. Let’s analyze these underlying beliefs. Are they correct? Does Tony deserve sex?”

“Yes.”

“With you?”

“Ah… yes?”

“Does he deserve sex regardless of whether you want it or not?”

“He deserves a willing partner.”

“Mmmhm. Imagine that he has a different partner – if it’s OK,” Loki nodded stiffly. “Imagine that partner being unable to have sex – for whatever reason. They might be ill or not in the mood. Will Tony deserve to have sex with them?”

“He will eventually.”

“No, does he deserve to – “

“I understand what you are trying to say,” Loki cut the man short in exasperation. “No, he does not deserve sex anytime because that would mean that he deserves to – force – somebody, which is ludicrous. He does not. But – he does deserve a,” he stopped to bite his lips.

“A different lover?”

Loki closed his eyes with both hands this time. 

“We are going to talk about this again, but I want you to think about the following. Try to examine your beliefs about the things that Tony deserves and the things that you think you owe him – or should give him. You can make a list if you like. We will start from there.”

“Thank you,” Loki hid red-rimmed eyes behind dark glasses and nodded at Jared stiffly. “I shall do as you please.”

“Please don’t do as I please,” Jared smiled. “It’s for you,” Loki looked away. “And him,” Loki nodded. “For both of you.”

“Thank you,” Loki repeated. With more emotion this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has somebody watched Repulsion (1965)? :D

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to message me at anxious-alice-a and/or use my email (alicealice5@yandex.ru). Looking for roleplay partners in Russian and English.


End file.
